Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
