so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
