am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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