Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
