I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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