two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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