Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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