There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
