I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i out mim tonsoeep
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