Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
