i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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