I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
