My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
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She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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