so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
