I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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