I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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