my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
