When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There r osticjed everywhere
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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