well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
