Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
