i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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