The maid of honor just puked.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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