It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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