nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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