Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will