sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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