Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
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I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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