I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
