I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
