I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
