Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
