Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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