I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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