I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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