I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize