I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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