You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
