So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
