Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
