i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
