Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
