I think I am morally bankrupt
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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