My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
