he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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