I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
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The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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