and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
