i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
