I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
