I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
