she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You made out with two different species that night
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
