i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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