I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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