I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
