I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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