It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
