Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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