Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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