Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
