I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
