i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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